The Expendables (Sylvester Stallone, 2010)

Boom Boom Pow... (yawn)

As most of the Expendables cast made films in a time before email and blogs were popular, I thought I’d start with an old fashioned letter:

Dear Mr Stallone,

May I extend some serious respect your way for managing to work miracles and make a good, convincing Rocky movie a few years ago. Against all odds, you showed cinema goers there was life in the old ‘underdog’ yet. When you were in that ring, I was in there with you. As you may be aware, there has been a 80s revival in this new millennium, and I am pleased to say you are the only person to bring an old Action icon back with dignity. Indiana Jones showed signs of dementia in his last film as he was clearly convinced he could still cut it. John McClain needs to go into retirement, despite fighting a jet and winning, his latest film died hard.

It is with regret I must inform you that in your recent film, you have shown the world why 80s action stars belonged in the 80s, and why now in these times we welcome our Dark Knights, Jason Bourne’s and grittier James Bond’s with open arms. Times have changed, move with them, and let sleeping dogs lie.

Yours faithfully,

Roper Review

P.S Please don’t make another Rambo

Stallone’s latest film should be the final nail in the coffin which contains this ill fated attempt to milk the various action hero cash cows of the 1980s. These films are built around nostalgia and warm affection from fans, in the hope that they will forgive the creaks in the script and the actor’s bodies. However, nostalgia cannot save what is an otherwise poor film in all respects. This is a film in which Stallone got his cast first and built his story around them. Now, to synopsise the script:

Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom – homoerotic banter – token good looking girl in hot pants – boom boom – pointless cameo- boom –Statham Stallone and Rouke compare ‘knife size’ – boom boom – moral of the story – boom X 100 and get increasingly louder.

Let it be clear there is nothing wrong with an action film that is heavy on the action as long as it is entertaining to watch. The Expendables is like watching a video game you are not allowed to play. Stallone is so determined to display that these 80s stars have still got it, that you never fear for their lives as they gun and stab their 100^th victim. During the last, very much extended, action sequence, it felt like watching children run around the playground shooting each other with their fingers, apart from with ear splitting sound effects.

I really wanted to enjoy this throw back to the shamelessly macho men films that used to dominate the cinema screens, However Stallone chose to include an action style used far more effectively in the Bourne films, a handheld camera style of shooting. This means for most of the film the shots are that quick and unstable that everything becomes a blurry mess of crimson blood and muzzle flashes.

The script is as sloppy as the direction. This is a film which has been written around its cast, so there is a token Jet Li fight scene where he can show off his skills and then recieve lots of banter from the rest of the cast about his height. Jason Statham, who is the only credible action hero in the film, gets bantered about the size of his head, and of course the big cameo, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has a joke thrown towards him about wanting to be president. The much hyped scene with the Governator, Bruce Willis and Stallone, is over within minutes, is completely arbitrary to the narrative and consists largely of a contest over who has the hardest, most masculine stare.

Verdict

This is a completely unnecessary summer blockbuster that will undoubtedly make a lot of money due to its star power. It is a film that’s not so bad it’s good, it is just bad. It is clearly hoping that fond memories will bring in punters, but these punters will leave feeling confused. Like a racist grandparent, it needs to be told that things have moved on since their heyday. Stallone, it’s time to get with the times or get to retirement.

*1/2